11.2.18

i will make you my most prized possession

if i can be yours

i will hide you away

if you will hide me away, too

i will open the world up to you,

and you to the world

it’s such a pretty world when you’re in it

Advertisements

acid pain

i don’t want to be in this world anymore

this is not a cry for help or some suicidal elegy

it’s quiet here and i’m too tired to think

about why i can’t sleep in the evening

or is it because i can’t sleep in the evening

 

i don’t know how to live in this world anymore

i should probably have started with that

but maybe i wanted the shock factor… or maybe that was just the simple truth

my thoughts are muddled and my words come out too quickly

every time i start to be okay i wake and i need to be me for another day

i can never remember when i fell asleep but i know i don’t sleep as much as the experts or your grandma recommend

how is she by the way?

 

the sun rises and i burrow deeper

away from and into this darkness

the sun rises, reminding me of how unprepared i am for any kind of news

good or bad

old or new

 

i am more prepared to face anyone else’s pain than i ever was to face mine

my mind is the most powerful numbing agent i’ve found

i feel your problems consuming mine, cutting right through

your tears cut through my hollow bones like acid rain

i should’ve brought an umbrella

light in another form

Oh hey, it’s been a minute

I forgot you for a minute

I didn’t forget you because of you

I forget because of me

Remembering you comes naturally

 

When I remember you I remember

Thinking about you existing

In the same world at the same time as me

It makes me feel the same things I feel

Leaving the house on a crisp morning in late October

Hearing the leaves crunch beneath my feet

Watching my breath in front of me

You’re the feeling of possibility

 

Thinking about you

Not that far from where I am now

Makes me feel the same things I feel

In the first few seconds of that song by The Cranberries

-the one from You’ve Got Mail

 

This feeling is nearing certainty

Are your lights on

Is your car running

Does your car have heat

Are you using it or are you still caught in that space between heat and air conditioning

Summer and fall

Possibility and uncertainty

 

Are you thinking about driving toward me

Or are you already doing it?

Rounding the corner onto my block

The streetlights illuminating the fear, the anticipation, the turmoil, the everything else trying to hide in the shadows covering your face

 

I know it’s late but that doesn’t mean something new can’t start right now

Morning isn’t the only time for things to begin

Some of my best beginnings have been soaked in October moonlight

 

I know you know some nights I can’t get settle down

And I can’t go home

I know you know some nights I drive around listening to song after song after song

Looking for the right one to take me home

I do it with more than just songs

 

Drive toward me

I’m serious

I’ve been working on my certainty

Starting with being certain of you

 

Drive toward me

I’ll meet you where the streetlights fade into moon

Which one am I?

Which one are you?

 

Headlights fade into headlights

And I’m still not sure

careful now

remember when you thought the last one was the last one?

“what a relief,” you told yourself

“i’ll never have to worry about falling in love again”

 

don’t let this one in so easily

remember when you thought the last one was the one

there you go again

rearranging your meaning of the one to fit the new one

again

 

you open your heart wide and you shove him inside,

before you even know if he fits

before you even know if he’s worthy of the width

before you even know if he’ll be safe in there

what if he’s too weak to survive in the dark

what if he’s too weak to survive in your heart

what if he rummages around and breaks something

 

careful now, girl

when will you learn to be as careful with yourself

as you are with everyone else?

 

you decide he’s what you want

but you wanted something different before him

is this the problem or the solution?

is he rearranging himself to fit into your heart

or are you shrinking and growing your heart to fit around him

 

if he’s worthy, it will be worth it

but if he’s not, you’ll have to fall out of and into love all over again

when will you realize falling breaks things

and falling again won’t fix them

 

awed

awed

 

I am in awe of You

Enthralled by You

Fascinated by You

Undeserving of a moment of You

 

Out of all the things You could’ve made –

You picked me to make?

You picked me to create?

You picked me.

 

You fashioned me, carefully

Every inch of the space inside my brain

You designed me, gracefully

Every bit of me pointing back to You

 

You took your time with me –

Making sure You added all the things I’d need

My intricacies, my eccentricities… my flaws, too

Can there be a flaw in a piece designed by You?

 

You hang onto my every word

But I should be hanging onto Yours

I spend days seeking the sound of You

Then I hear You whisper, “I want to know YOU more”

 

Your attention stuns me

“I am the artist and you are my magnum opus”

Your intention stuns me into silence

I am the artist, trying to capture a tiny inch of Your glory and reflect it onto my scraps of paper

 

I am in awe of You

I am in awe of every moment spent with You

In awe of the time and space You give me, selflessly

In awe of the notion that You are a little in awe of me too