after midnight

anxiety is a wave – a tsunami

it’s a sneak attack

it comes when i least expect it

it comes when i most expect it, too

if only i could confine it –

one place

one time

one person

one feeling

 

but i cannot confine it

i can only fight it

 

anxiety is a sneak peak of depression

a trailer as frightening as the main event

 

depression is subtle

not a wave or tsunami –

just a little fall of rain

i don’t see it as quickly

sometimes it’s here for weeks,

settling over me like the thinnest layer of dust

barely noticeable

but impacting everything

depression is gentler –

but so much heavier

 

depression is months and months of numb

hiding behind the appearance of “okay”

it crushes everything it touches

but softly, slowly, gently –

creativity

security

compassion

connection

anything that used to be easy –

it breaks me,

gently

 

i wish i could fight it

but i find it hard to identify it

 

anxiety is flashes of orange and red in a spiral in a kaleidoscope constricting holding me down chasing me trapping me

sudden

harsh

it’s being stuck in an elevator with the walls closing in

is the elevator moving anymore?

will it ever move again?

will i be stuck here forever?

how long will forever be?

what will people say about me?

are they whispering behind my back do they know i don’t belong do they know

????

anxiety is a parking garage and i can’t find the way out how is it holding itself up it’s too heavy i’m too heavy it’s all too heavy it’s going to crush me before i find the way out i can’t breathe i can’t think with all this screaming who is screaming will you stop screaming i can’t breathe

 

depression is a shade of gray covering everything i see

all the things that should be technicolor –

gray

 

peace is knowing the moment i’m in is the right moment

the place i’m in is the right place

peace is calm is home is freedom is happiness

yellow and blue in a swirl

sunbeams reflected off the water

blinding me to the pain I could be feeling at any given moment

a kaleidoscope I have to pick up and choose to look through

a kaleidoscope moving slowly

pulling the best of me out of me

filling me with the best of me

pulling me out of myself

out of my head

until one day,

i realize that i am okay

i am going to make it

i have been happy for awhile now

 

peace is gentle, too