A poem I wrote on an airplane, August 22

My Brain

 

I am confident

In myself

In who I am

But I wonder

Is it real

Or manufactured in a lab inside my brain

How does it look to people outside the inside

 

I’m confident

I’m happy

Happy?

Yes, happy

I smile a lot

I talk too fast

Sometimes

I slur my words

They come too quick

I don’t have time to edit them

Sometimes

I laugh too loud

(Sometimes I laugh too much too)

Sometimes

I laugh instead of listening

Sometimes I laugh instead of slitting my heart open on the kitchen table

For you to clean up later

After

When I’m lying in the bed with my eyes closed and you think I’m asleep

Mom always said when I couldn’t sleep I should at least try to rest

Sometimes

I wonder

Am I too much?

Am I too loud too out there too different too just like every single other person too sure of myself do I smile too much do I check my hair in the mirror too much do I check my phone too much do I try to be unique to get attention or do I do it without even having to try does my laugh sound normal to you does it sound sincere

Too much too much too much

 

But then I remember I am not enough

How could I ever have thought I was too much

I wonder if I can even reach the edge of “enough” with the tip of my middle finger when I am standing on the tips of my toes

Am I too anxious to be seen too anxious to be understood and loved and touched and known too anxious to stay in one place for long enough too anxious period am I too numb to be seen am I too numb to care am I too tired too overwhelmed too sick to stand am I too blurry for you to see me or too blurry for me to see you am I even here

Not enough not enough not enough

 

I know I’m not the first one or the only one to feel this

But that doesn’t fix anything

It only brings me back to the question

Do the questions only matter because I’m not the only one to feel this way?

Is “different” a word I’ve labeled myself to make myself feel better in a world of same

Is it only how we see ourselves

But never how others see us?

 

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