My Brain
I am confident
In myself
In who I am
But I wonder
Is it real
Or manufactured in a lab inside my brain
How does it look to people outside the inside
I’m confident
I’m happy
Happy?
Yes, happy
I smile a lot
I talk too fast
Sometimes
I slur my words
They come too quick
I don’t have time to edit them
Sometimes
I laugh too loud
(Sometimes I laugh too much too)
Sometimes
I laugh instead of listening
Sometimes I laugh instead of slitting my heart open on the kitchen table
For you to clean up later
After
When I’m lying in the bed with my eyes closed and you think I’m asleep
Mom always said when I couldn’t sleep I should at least try to rest
Sometimes
I wonder
Am I too much?
Am I too loud too out there too different too just like every single other person too sure of myself do I smile too much do I check my hair in the mirror too much do I check my phone too much do I try to be unique to get attention or do I do it without even having to try does my laugh sound normal to you does it sound sincere
Too much too much too much
But then I remember I am not enough
How could I ever have thought I was too much
I wonder if I can even reach the edge of “enough” with the tip of my middle finger when I am standing on the tips of my toes
Am I too anxious to be seen too anxious to be understood and loved and touched and known too anxious to stay in one place for long enough too anxious period am I too numb to be seen am I too numb to care am I too tired too overwhelmed too sick to stand am I too blurry for you to see me or too blurry for me to see you am I even here
Not enough not enough not enough
I know I’m not the first one or the only one to feel this
But that doesn’t fix anything
It only brings me back to the question
Do the questions only matter because I’m not the only one to feel this way?
Is “different” a word I’ve labeled myself to make myself feel better in a world of same
Is it only how we see ourselves
But never how others see us?
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