anxiety is a wave – a tsunami
it’s a sneak attack
it comes when i least expect it
it comes when i most expect it, too
if only i could confine it –
one place
one time
one person
one feeling
but i cannot confine it
i can only fight it
anxiety is a sneak peak of depression
a trailer as frightening as the main event
depression is subtle
not a wave or tsunami –
just a little fall of rain
i don’t see it as quickly
sometimes it’s here for weeks,
settling over me like the thinnest layer of dust
barely noticeable
but impacting everything
depression is gentler –
but so much heavier
depression is months and months of numb
hiding behind the appearance of “okay”
it crushes everything it touches
but softly, slowly, gently –
creativity
security
compassion
connection
anything that used to be easy –
it breaks me,
gently
i wish i could fight it
but i find it hard to identify it
anxiety is flashes of orange and red in a spiral in a kaleidoscope constricting holding me down chasing me trapping me
sudden
harsh
it’s being stuck in an elevator with the walls closing in
is the elevator moving anymore?
will it ever move again?
will i be stuck here forever?
how long will forever be?
what will people say about me?
are they whispering behind my back do they know i don’t belong do they know
????
anxiety is a parking garage and i can’t find the way out how is it holding itself up it’s too heavy i’m too heavy it’s all too heavy it’s going to crush me before i find the way out i can’t breathe i can’t think with all this screaming who is screaming will you stop screaming i can’t breathe
depression is a shade of gray covering everything i see
all the things that should be technicolor –
gray
peace is knowing the moment i’m in is the right moment
the place i’m in is the right place
peace is calm is home is freedom is happiness
yellow and blue in a swirl
sunbeams reflected off the water
blinding me to the pain I could be feeling at any given moment
a kaleidoscope I have to pick up and choose to look through
a kaleidoscope moving slowly
pulling the best of me out of me
filling me with the best of me
pulling me out of myself
out of my head
until one day,
i realize that i am okay
i am going to make it
i have been happy for awhile now
peace is gentle, too
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