aware

aware

 

when you knew me you knew me as well as anyone did

 

i barely knew myself then

i was a stranger to myself when

i wasn’t aware of what i was going through

 

this year i met myself

this year i saw inside

and i want to tell you

 

i’m so far from what we thought

so much harsher and so much brighter

so much heavier and so much lighter

 

a year? you ask

what can change in a year

i knew you then so i know you now

 

a year ago I might’ve agreed, but now I know

a lot can happen in a year

a lot can grow and a lot can change and a lot of things have gone up in flames

 

this year i became aware of myself

this year i became new

i am aware of what i’m going through

 

 

 

 

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Another poem I wrote on an airplane, August 22

My Eyes

 

I see you

 

Do you see me

My eyes find you and move away seamlessly

And then back

And then away, and then back, and away

Away

 

I wonder if you notice

I wonder if your eyes are doing the same thing

 

Away, and then back

 

Do you see me

Do you want me to think you’re not staring

What if you’re not staring?

Do you hope I don’t notice you

What if there’s nothing to notice?

I’m staring and it’s rude and I know

I should say something

 

But saying is scary

Doing is scary

Staying is scary

What if you turn out to be different than I think

Saying and doing are scary

And looking is easy

 

I hope my eyes keep meeting yours and looking away

For a long time

 

I know you feel the electricity in the air

It’s not just me

Why don’t you say something then

Why don’t you do something then

Why don’t you reach out and touch me

Then –

Electrocute us both

Why do you stay in a place only my eyes can reach

 

I hope my eyes keep meeting yours for a long time

I hope one day they learn to stay

A poem I wrote on an airplane, August 22

My Brain

 

I am confident

In myself

In who I am

But I wonder

Is it real

Or manufactured in a lab inside my brain

How does it look to people outside the inside

 

I’m confident

I’m happy

Happy?

Yes, happy

I smile a lot

I talk too fast

Sometimes

I slur my words

They come too quick

I don’t have time to edit them

Sometimes

I laugh too loud

(Sometimes I laugh too much too)

Sometimes

I laugh instead of listening

Sometimes I laugh instead of slitting my heart open on the kitchen table

For you to clean up later

After

When I’m lying in the bed with my eyes closed and you think I’m asleep

Mom always said when I couldn’t sleep I should at least try to rest

Sometimes

I wonder

Am I too much?

Am I too loud too out there too different too just like every single other person too sure of myself do I smile too much do I check my hair in the mirror too much do I check my phone too much do I try to be unique to get attention or do I do it without even having to try does my laugh sound normal to you does it sound sincere

Too much too much too much

 

But then I remember I am not enough

How could I ever have thought I was too much

I wonder if I can even reach the edge of “enough” with the tip of my middle finger when I am standing on the tips of my toes

Am I too anxious to be seen too anxious to be understood and loved and touched and known too anxious to stay in one place for long enough too anxious period am I too numb to be seen am I too numb to care am I too tired too overwhelmed too sick to stand am I too blurry for you to see me or too blurry for me to see you am I even here

Not enough not enough not enough

 

I know I’m not the first one or the only one to feel this

But that doesn’t fix anything

It only brings me back to the question

Do the questions only matter because I’m not the only one to feel this way?

Is “different” a word I’ve labeled myself to make myself feel better in a world of same

Is it only how we see ourselves

But never how others see us?