light

light

 

It’s the middle of the night

And I’m here trying to shake the darkness away

Trying to feel more or feel less –

Depending on the moment

Trying to keep my darkness at bay

 

Then, you ask me if I’ll face your darkness too.

 

You need someone to stay alive with you – just til the sun rises –

To pray you’ll see the darkness turn to day

How can I pray for you when I find it hard to pray for me?

You honor me with your trust,

But you frighten me with your pain

 

Numbness isn’t contagious but pain is.

 

I’m huddled in the corner trying to fight

Trying to fix what I feel

Counting the seconds to the end of the night

Entertaining lies I’d never believe

If the blinds were split by morning light

 

I’ve never felt so self-centered in my life.

 

You need me,

And you want me

So I reach back –

You touch my darkness with your darkness,

And I touch your darkness with my light

 

Here you are, reminding me that I am human.

 

Your darkness is deeper;

Mine is shallow

You have been ripped apart;

I rip my own heart apart

And hide the pieces so no one can help me put them back together

 

Don’t tell me this but I’m beginning to suspect some part of me likes being sad.

 

My darkness is some unrecognizable shade of gray

Sometimes I am numb,

And sometimes I feel nothing so deep I hyperventilate,

And I’m not saying those things are okay

But I still have light to spare

 

I am human and you are human and our pain is what we have in common.

 

Even in the worst times,

I have light to share

So I tuck my darkness away, and I pull out my spare bits of light

And I know this isn’t the time to ask questions

This is the time to wrap you up in the light and tuck you into safety

 

I’ll stay here until you tell me to go and even then I’ll stay a little while longer.

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9.14.18

i’ve been getting up early

looking for God in the morning mist

when the world is emptier, easier

 

I thought He’d hear my prayers more clearly

than at 3 am when they’re more cries than prayers

 

raspy whispers chasing the moon toward its setting

 

 

i’ve been getting up earlier than is easy

trying to decipher the messages You left for me

disconnecting Your voice from my desires

 

i heard it’s easier now than at 3 am

when my prayers are too desperate for any answer to be enough

 

the sun chasing me toward my rising

after midnight

anxiety is a wave – a tsunami

it’s a sneak attack

it comes when i least expect it

it comes when i most expect it, too

if only i could confine it –

one place

one time

one person

one feeling

 

but i cannot confine it

i can only fight it

 

anxiety is a sneak peak of depression

a trailer as frightening as the main event

 

depression is subtle

not a wave or tsunami –

just a little fall of rain

i don’t see it as quickly

sometimes it’s here for weeks,

settling over me like the thinnest layer of dust

barely noticeable

but impacting everything

depression is gentler –

but so much heavier

 

depression is months and months of numb

hiding behind the appearance of “okay”

it crushes everything it touches

but softly, slowly, gently –

creativity

security

compassion

connection

anything that used to be easy –

it breaks me,

gently

 

i wish i could fight it

but i find it hard to identify it

 

anxiety is flashes of orange and red in a spiral in a kaleidoscope constricting holding me down chasing me trapping me

sudden

harsh

it’s being stuck in an elevator with the walls closing in

is the elevator moving anymore?

will it ever move again?

will i be stuck here forever?

how long will forever be?

what will people say about me?

are they whispering behind my back do they know i don’t belong do they know

????

anxiety is a parking garage and i can’t find the way out how is it holding itself up it’s too heavy i’m too heavy it’s all too heavy it’s going to crush me before i find the way out i can’t breathe i can’t think with all this screaming who is screaming will you stop screaming i can’t breathe

 

depression is a shade of gray covering everything i see

all the things that should be technicolor –

gray

 

peace is knowing the moment i’m in is the right moment

the place i’m in is the right place

peace is calm is home is freedom is happiness

yellow and blue in a swirl

sunbeams reflected off the water

blinding me to the pain I could be feeling at any given moment

a kaleidoscope I have to pick up and choose to look through

a kaleidoscope moving slowly

pulling the best of me out of me

filling me with the best of me

pulling me out of myself

out of my head

until one day,

i realize that i am okay

i am going to make it

i have been happy for awhile now

 

peace is gentle, too

you were never mine to turn into a poem

you were never mine to turn into a poem

 

i’m sorry for all the poems i wrote you

i see now they were never mine to write

 

every single word was true,

but none of it was mine to say

 

i wish you’d told me sooner

i wish i’d known from the first day,

 

that you’d never write a poem for me

i wish you’d told me right away

 

but i think maybe it’s fine

i’ve checked and i’m okay – besides

 

no matter what you should’ve could’ve would’ve said

i would’ve written them anyway

 

aware

aware

 

when you knew me you knew me as well as anyone did

 

i barely knew myself then

i was a stranger to myself when

i wasn’t aware of what i was going through

 

this year i met myself

this year i saw inside

and i want to tell you

 

i’m so far from what we thought

so much harsher and so much brighter

so much heavier and so much lighter

 

a year? you ask

what can change in a year

i knew you then so i know you now

 

a year ago I might’ve agreed, but now I know

a lot can happen in a year

a lot can grow and a lot can change and a lot of things have gone up in flames

 

this year i became aware of myself

this year i became new

i am aware of what i’m going through