three winds

three winds

 

The winter wind mounts its attack

Chilling me from the outside in

Some days I wonder to myself

“How much am I just like this wind?”

 

Fall and spring are my favorite winds

They sing melodies of newness and change

I want to hear myself in them

But I’ve been told I don’t have their range.

 

The summer wind is soft and sweet

I miss it before it before it has even gone

A welcome escape from the blistering heat

It’s refreshing in ways I think I could be.

 

 

(Photo is from Cy Twombly’s Fifty Days at Iliam, currently at Philadelphia Museum of Art. Center painting is Shades of Achilles, Patroclus, and Hector. I highly recommend going to see this exhibit.)

11.2.18

i will make you my most prized possession

if i can be yours

i will hide you away

if you will hide me away, too

i will open the world up to you,

and you to the world

it’s such a pretty world when you’re in it

acid pain

i don’t want to be in this world anymore

this is not a cry for help or some suicidal elegy

it’s quiet here and i’m too tired to think

about why i can’t sleep in the evening

or is it because i can’t sleep in the evening

 

i don’t know how to live in this world anymore

i should probably have started with that

but maybe i wanted the shock factor…

or maybe that was just the simple truth…

or maybe…

my thoughts are muddled and my words come out too quickly

when i start to be okay i wake to another day that i need to be me

i can never remember when i fell asleep but i know i don’t sleep as much as the experts or your grandma recommend

how is she by the way?

 

the sun rises and i burrow deeper

away from and into this darkness

the sun rises, reminding me how unprepared i am for any kind of news

good or bad

old or new

 

i am more prepared to face anyone else’s pain than i am to face mine

my mind is the most powerful numbing agent i’ve found

i feel your problems consuming mine, cutting right through

your tears cut through my hollow bones like acid rain

i should’ve brought an umbrella

light in another form

Oh hey, it’s been a minute

I forgot you for a minute

I didn’t forget you because of you

I forget because of me

Remembering you comes naturally

 

When I remember you I remember

Thinking about you existing

In the same world at the same time as me

It makes me feel the same things I feel

Leaving the house on a crisp morning in late October

Hearing the leaves crunch beneath my feet

Watching my breath in front of me

You’re the feeling of possibility

 

Thinking about you

Not that far from where I am now

Makes me feel the same things I feel

In the first few seconds of that song by The Cranberries

-the one from You’ve Got Mail

 

This feeling is nearing certainty

Are your lights on

Is your car running

Does your car have heat

Are you using it or are you still caught in that space between heat and air conditioning

Summer and fall

Possibility and uncertainty

 

Are you thinking about driving toward me

Or are you already doing it?

Rounding the corner onto my block

The streetlights illuminating the fear, the anticipation, the turmoil, the everything else trying to hide in the shadows covering your face

 

I know it’s late but that doesn’t mean something new can’t start right now

Morning isn’t the only time for things to begin

Some of my best beginnings have been soaked in October moonlight

 

I know you know some nights I can’t settle down

And I can’t go home

I know you know some nights I drive around listening to song after song after song

Looking for the right one to take me home

I do it with more than just songs

 

Drive toward me

I’ve been working on my certainty

Starting with being certain of you

 

Drive toward me

I’ll meet you where the streetlights fade into moon

Which one am I?

Which one are you?

 

Headlights fade into headlights

And I’m still not sure

careful now

careful now

remember when you thought the last one was the last one?

“what a relief,” you told yourself

“i’ll never have to worry about falling in love again”

 

don’t let this one in so easily

remember when you thought the last one was the one

there you go again

rearranging your meaning of the one to fit the new one

again

 

you open your heart wide and you shove him inside,

before you even know if he fits

before you even know if he’s worthy of the width

before you even know if he’ll be safe in there

what if he’s too weak to survive in the dark

what if he’s too weak to survive in your heart

what if he rummages around and breaks something

 

careful now, girl

when will you learn to be as careful with yourself

as you are with everyone else?

 

you decide he’s what you want

but you wanted something different before him

is this the problem or the solution?

is he rearranging himself to fit into your heart

or are you shrinking and growing your heart to fit around him

 

if he’s worthy, it will be worth it

but if he’s not, you’ll have to fall out of and into love all over again

when will you realize falling breaks things

and falling again won’t fix them