anticipation/dread

anticipation/dread

 

is it more frightening that no one has ever fully known me,

or that I can never fully know another person?

 

is it more frightening that no one has ever fully known me,

or that no one has ever fully tried?

 

is it more frightening that no one has ever fully known me,

or that I don’t fully know myself?

 

is it more frightening or exciting?

 

bb

 

(Photos are from Cy Twombly’s Fifty Days at Iliam, currently at Philadelphia Museum of Art. Specifically from the painting, Achaeans in Battle.)

three winds

three winds

 

The winter wind mounts its attack

Chilling me from the outside in

Some days I wonder to myself

“How much am I just like this wind?”

 

Fall and spring are my favorite winds

They sing melodies of newness and change

I want to hear myself in them

But I’ve been told I don’t have their range.

 

The summer wind is soft and sweet

I miss it before it before it has even gone

A welcome escape from the blistering heat

It’s refreshing in ways I think I could be.

 

 

(Photo is from Cy Twombly’s Fifty Days at Iliam, currently at Philadelphia Museum of Art. Center painting is Shades of Achilles, Patroclus, and Hector. I highly recommend going to see this exhibit.)

11.2.18

i will make you my most prized possession

if i can be yours

i will hide you away

if you will hide me away, too

i will open the world up to you,

and you to the world

it’s such a pretty world when you’re in it

acid pain

i don’t want to be in this world anymore

this is not a cry for help or some suicidal elegy

it’s quiet here and i’m too tired to think

about why i can’t sleep in the evening

or is it because i can’t sleep in the evening

 

i don’t know how to live in this world anymore

i should probably have started with that

but maybe i wanted the shock factor…

or maybe that was just the simple truth…

or maybe…

my thoughts are muddled and my words come out too quickly

when i start to be okay i wake to another day that i need to be me

i can never remember when i fell asleep but i know i don’t sleep as much as the experts or your grandma recommend

how is she by the way?

 

the sun rises and i burrow deeper

away from and into this darkness

the sun rises, reminding me how unprepared i am for any kind of news

good or bad

old or new

 

i am more prepared to face anyone else’s pain than i am to face mine

my mind is the most powerful numbing agent i’ve found

i feel your problems consuming mine, cutting right through

your tears cut through my hollow bones like acid rain

i should’ve brought an umbrella